"Lestat" 1998 Chapter 17

The Dreams

This weekend I spent time going through my journals trying to dig up my Lestat Dreams. Seems I didn't do such a good job of recording said dreams. However, I recorded some, and remember enough to write a thoughtful post on the subject.

A few months after the break up in 1999, I had the following dream:

A friend of mine married Lestat knowing all he had done to me. There was another woman living with them that he was also sleeping with. She married him because he rescued her and her friend from a plane crash - they crashed into his house. I said, "check the phone bills and his activity on the internet!" But my friend seemed like she was in denial. He would not admit to any wrong doing.

I had several dreams of this nature over the years: I was back with Lestat in some way, and I was trying to expose him or get him to admit to the things he did. Each dream progressed slightly on this theme - of him telling the truth, and of me being able to forgive him.

In 2003 I had the following dream, which was the last I had of Lestat:

Lestat and I were back together, but he was still cheating on me. He was admitting it though, and gave me his cell phone telling me I would find other womens' phone numbers on it. There were recent entries, within a few days. I became angry with him and he seemed remorseful. The sense I had was that he couldn't help his behavior because it was addictive and/or compulsive.

This was the first and only dream where Lestat admitted to what he had done. The first and only dream where any sort of regret or remorse was present. Obviously this was a healing event for me, because no more Lestat dreams ensued. Such is the value of dreams, as they can help work through issues that can't otherwise be managed in our daily lives.

As mentioned before, I would not have the opportunity to hear straight from his vampiric lips, "sorry for what I have done to you," so I would have to get this another way. This happened through my dreams, and especially through the last dream in 2003. The dream not only gave me what I wanted (an admission of guilt and a sense of remorse), but it also gave me insight into his actions - that on some level "he couldn't help it."

Okay, this does not in any way excuse his behavior. But think about this for a moment. If you are born a dog, you can't help but bark, wag your tail, smell your own butt, and eat food off the floor. It is in your nature.

Perhaps Lestat was "born" to be the "asshole" in this life for a reason. I can only speculate on what that reason might be for my own life, because as individuals, we all have our own lessons to learn. Some might say, "well, you didn't NEED that experience to learn THOSE lessons!" I would disagree. Why? Because from a spiritual perspective, I do understand that things DO happen for a reason in my life. Events are not random. I am not a victim.

So what are the lessons that I needed from this experience? On the surface of this experience, I learned how to spot a liar from a mile away. I also learned to trust my gut more. The truth is, I had all the information I needed about Lestat in the beginning from the first phone call, but I CHOSE to ignore the truth in front of me. From this experience, I am more likely to pay attention to the truth than avoid it. I also had to explore within myself why I would chose to ignore the truth.

Within the first few months of my relationship with Lestat I had a very revealing dream. In the dream he was "experimenting" on me in a sinister manner and then abandoned me by the end of the dream. At the time, I wrote the dream off as rubbish. However, looking back, I know that the dream was a warning of things to come and was if fact, revealing the truth of the nature of our relationship. Paying attention to my dreams has been a valuable tool in understanding what is going on in my life. I have learned not to ignore them.

So getting back to the idea of not ignoring the truth--my experience with Lestat was like being hypnotized by a very skilled magician--I was under the "spell" of a powerful illusion. The illusion was the relationship itself, that I chose to believe was real. The illusion was MY OWN doing, because I CHOSE to buy into it. The relationship had the effect of breaking down illusions in my life, so that I could be better equipped to see truth, and act accordingly. Although this was incredibly painful, it was a necessary part of my growth. I would much rather be operating under a sense of "reality" than under a shroud of "illusion." I am grateful for having this lesson.

Think about all the "illusions" we operate under each day. These illusions are beliefs that we buy into that determine how we think, feel and make decisions. Illusions are debilitating because they keep us from progressing forward in life.

For example, fear is one of the most powerful illusions. If we make decisions based on fear of what "might" happen to us (i.e., "if I quit my job, I might not like the new job I will get, but yet I hate my current job") then we won't take steps forward. We will remain stagnant and unhappy right where we are.

Fear of being alone might be the most single powerful illusion that keeps people in bad relationships. Think about it: do you stay in a bad relationship/job/situation because of fear of having to deal with loneliness? Avoiding loneliness only prolongs the bad relationship. Facing loneliness opens the door to greater love.

Having a powerful experience of breaking down illusions (uh, thank you Lestat, I guess!) in my own life has helped me feel more free to chose the life I want. There is no price tag on such a valuable sense of freedom.

And through this experience, I learned more about love, believe it or not. I learned what love is NOT, and how by buying into illusions, I am certainly not loving myself. In the end this experience has NOT closed my heart to love. I have since then fallen in love (a few times - its been 8 years remember!), and will again. Each time I have something new to learn about what love is, how to be more loving, how to have more love in my life, and how to operate from love in general.

Any questions, boys and girls?

We are nearing the end of the Lestat tale. I think there are only about 2 chapters left. Stay tuned.