The Adventures of Match.com, Scene 1

Last week when I signed up, I forgot how all consuming it is. Just yesterday it took me two hours to get through the e-mails and winks. What is ironic about on-line dating, is that I spend more time on-line trying to meet people, than actually being out meeting people!

Anyway, I had my first two dates:

The first was the Real Estate Exec. He was not unattractive, but honestly not someone I would look at twice. He looked good in his photos, so I went for it. We met for coffee and chatted for about 2 hours. Interesting guy, but I didn't really feel a spark. I would go out with him again, just to explore the spark potential, but honestly after our meeting I could take him or leave him. It is really okay with me if I never hear from him again.

Plus he was a spittle talker. Yes, a spittle talker. "What is that , Blue??" you ask!

When he talked he accumulated an abundance of saliva between his back teeth which was visible when he spoke. He probably had to slurp often to keep the spittle from building up too much and escaping his mouth. (Hence forth his nickname will be ST.)

It was hard for me to imagine kissing him, due to that fact.

I know, I am a shallow, bad, bad person:)

But if I can't imagine kissing you, well, it's just not happening for me.

At the end of our date he said he wanted to see me again and would get back to me with his schedule. That was last Wednesday and I haven't heard from him since. Well, I am not heart broken over it.

Next was the EMT who works at the emergency room at a local hospital. His picture did not at all give a representation of what he looked like so I couldn't tell if he was attractive. But I met him anyway. When I drove up to his place (we had plans to walk to a local coffee shop) I instantly noticed his crappy apartment - a dungeon of sorts right next to a grade school.

And...well...if I had seen what he really looked like in his pictures, I would have known there would no chance of attraction. Sad, because he is a nice guy, just not my type....at all.

He had snaggle teeth. Yes, snaggle teeth. This is when your tootheses (misspelled on purpose for effect) are so effed up in your mouth they go every which way and are yellow.

Yum. I definitely could not imagine kissing THAT guy. (Hence forth he will be known as the EMT because ST is already taken by the other guy!)

He was also very soft spoken, kind of a "too mellow" personality for me. I felt no attraction whatsoever. But again, he as a cool guy, someone maybe I could have a platonic friendship with.

Two strikes so far. But I do not have high expectations. I have been down the Match.com road a few times before and this is how it always goes - a lot of frogs.

But at least I am getting out and meeting people.

Probably tomorrow I will be meeting The Cowboy. Again his pictures looked cute, but no toothy smile. What the hell is that? I will have you know that 100% of the time I have ever met anyone online, when they do not have a toothy smile in their picture, it means they have bad teeth.

I promise you this is an indisputable fact. See for yourself next time you peruse the on-line dating options.

And this sucks for me because I love good teeth and am turned off by bad teeth. Hello! We have orthodontia in this day and age! And teeth whitening! Trust me, it increases attractiveness 100%.

So the moral of the story is, get your teeth fixed if they are fucked up:)

Faithfully yours,
Blue

Making Sense of RD

It's worse on the weekends. The sadness.

I go over and over in my head what happened. Trust me, I know this is not healthy, but it seems to be a part of the healing process right now.

I realized I kept going over and over what happened because I couldn't make sense of it. Now, I know that we can't always make sense of things. Sometimes we just need to accept that situations and people are illogical and don't make sense and just move on. But I was having trouble doing this with RD.

This weekend I reached out. I texted him to say "Hi" and test the waters as to his willingness to talk a little more. Basically he told me he doesn't want to talk, that he has "too much bullshit" on his plate right now. He was nice about it and that didn't surprise me. He told me when we ended things that he "didn't want to think about things, or talk about stuff."

So I knew he was not "into" talking about what happened. But I felt I needed some closure so I could just move on and stop feeling so sad. I didn't know what he could do to make me feel better - except admit that he had made a mistake and had not been totally honest with me. But I don't think I will ever get that admission from him.

Somehow, even reaching out to him helped. Even though he had no desire to communicate. Maybe it was like the nail in the coffin - just one more confirmation of his immaturity and poor communication skills. Just one more example of why he was ultimately not right for me.

Over and over I was trying to make sense of one of his final comments, "this relationship is wrong in the eyes of god." I just could not accept this as his true reason. After all, he was (is) a young, healthy man, with a normal and healthy sex drive. I couldn't accept he was ending it with me because we weren't suppose to be having sex. I knew darn well he would be having sex with someone else in the future without being married.

I guess I wanted to him to admit the "god" thing was just an immature excuse and that he could not figure himself out. I wanted him to admit that he didn't feel our relationship was wrong, but that for his own immature reasons, he could not continue.

I doubt I will ever get that admission. Even so I told him over texts this weekend I did want to be friends and that I wouldn't ask him to talk about that stuff if wanted that as well. He didn't respond to that. This was in direct contradiction to the untold amount of times he told me that I would "always be in his life, at the very least as a friend." So is he just one of those people who doesn't mean what he says?

That is hard for me. I take people seriously, and to not to means I have to give up faith in the integrity of others. It's a dilemma for me.

Anyway, after that short text conversation something felt lighter. Light enough for me to finally have some energy to even want to meet someone else. So the very next day I signed up for Match.com. I don't know how many times I swore I would never do that again! But here it is.

And the Adventures of Match.com beginith!

This is Going to be Pathetic, So....

Come back later if you don't want to hear me whine.

I am am advocate for journaling. Duh. That is why I started this blog in the first place - to have a fun place to document my life and use it as a journal to process my thoughts and feelings.

I need to do that about RD.

Why? Cuz I'm sad, and I miss him. So this post is going to be me gushing about my feelings about why I miss him, blah blah blah.

He stayed with me at my place for about 5 months. That was half the time I actually lived there. I wasn't there long enough, apparently, to have my own mental associations take precedence in my mind after he left. What I mean is, now that he is gone, everything reminds me of him. Everything. It's now been almost three months. When will it stop?

He was the first boyfriend I had in that place. Probably why everything brings up his face.

I came home from my training last week and felt very lonely. I came home to am empty house and realized how much I missed his presence. He stayed with me for 5 months - I wasn't lonely at all during that time. I always looked forward to seeing him each day. I miss that feeling - of actually enjoying a relationship. It had been so long since I actually enjoyed a relationship, I became very comfortable being by myself.

With RD I found what I was actually missing, and now that sucks because I have to feel the loss of that, instead of get to have it.

Parking in front of my place reminds me of him - he had his regular spot in front of my house. When I came home, I would usually see his car there - waiting for me. I miss seeing his car there.

The sound of the screen door always announced his arrival. Now when I open the screen door, I head the same sound, and feel a bit of emptiness instead.

My bed became ours. It took me a while to get used to sleeping with him. Now it is just a big empty bed. I probably sleep better without him there, but I miss waking up with him in the morning.

My bathroom, especially the shower, brings back certain memories each time I am in there...alone.

My stupid ironing board. He always had his stuff piled on it. Now it is bare.

No more e-mails, phone calls or text messages.

It is like he has been erased from my life.

He made such a big deal about wanting me in his life, even as a friend. But he has made no effort whatsoever to do so.

That makes me sad too.

For several weeks after he left, I kept finding things he left behind - clothes, his passport, and other belongings. Each time I would text him to let him know, and each time I would see him for a few minutes while he came over to pick things up.

Each time it seemed he was doing just fine without me. Not missing me at all. Not appearing to wish things turned out differently.

So I have to be the one to feel all this sadness. All by myself. Over a boy that was never right for me in the first place.

I know it's okay to feel sad. I just want it to be over. I can only distract myself for so long before the feelings catch up to me and the tears start to fall.