Coming Home Soon...

My year abroad is about up. I will be returning to the States sometime around the end of the year. While I am wrapping things up with my job here, I am emotionally preparing for life when I get home. I have lots of plans: skiing; Cabo San Lucas; see my friends in LA.... I just want to bum around a while until my next job assignment is ready.

And, I have been thinking about men. Since things with JMSG didn't work out, I of course, am back to what I am used to - being single, and thinking of relationships as only temporary.

These past couple of months The Adulterer (TA) keeps popping up in my mind. I don't want him to. I have not spoken to him for a couple of years at least, but there he is, in my mind. Why why why???

I have good memories of him. And I have angry memories--how he was cheating on his live-in girlfriend the whole time he was with me. And the whole time, my love for him never faltered. I was head over heels. Why why why???

Of course I have no plans to see him or contact him. But the warm memories are back. I miss him. I miss how I felt with him. I don't miss how conflicted I felt about his other relationship. That is a situation I hope to never allow myself into again. Nonetheless, he is the one I think about the most these days.

And I think about the RD. My warm memories are there too, usually second in line to TA. I have a theory: I think I remember these two the most because sex with them was out of this world. And since I have been (not by choice) celibate since that last time I saw JMSG, I am missing sex and what it feels like when it is really good. So, I am imagining how I might feed this urge when I get home. It's on my mind, as you can see.

Being sex-free for a length of time tends to focus my sex energy on sex-only encounters. I don't have the desire for a relationship, but I do want some satisfying bedroom fun. It is times like this when I might start going on the prowl, like I did with the Craig’s List Adventure.

It's not possible to do that now, before I get home. Mixing business with pleasure is the wrong choice at the moment. But when I get home, that won't be the case....

My Adventures with JMSG, Part 7

Three months. That was the deadline - the deadline for JMSG to get back to me and let me know if he could get over his trust issues and be friends.

Three months came and went and nothing. Not a word.

So I wondered, "Perhaps he is dating someone."

Well, fine, cool, but he has a bunch of my stuff, and if he has no intention of even maintaining a friendship, I need to get my crap back!

So I sent him a short note. It was friendly, asked how he was, etc. Then I asked about my things and when he was planning on dropping them off at my mother's. He responded he had put everything in storage but would get to it - didn't think it was urgent.

I wrote him back thanking him. But that was it. He didn't respond back. So again I thought, "Well, I guess he is over it and doesn't want to be friends either."

So now about a month later, my mom tells me he is in fact dating someone. As he described it, it is "nothing serious" and left the impression with my mother that he is waiting to see what can happen when I get home.

What??

He still has romantic interest in me??? Okay, I'm confused. I put the ball in his court-- I asked him to deal with his issues and get back to me. He never did. I then asked him to return my things. Even then, he made no mention of "working on the issues" I asked him to face, nor any comment on maintaining a friendship. And now he is telling my mother he is waiting for me to come home?

Seriously, isn't that something he should be saying to me, directly?

How old are you? Twelve????

I don't know what to make of this, but apparently he was waiting for me to "chase" him. Because even though the ball was in his court - that he was to get back to me when he was ready to resume a friendship - apparently it was my job to make the first move.

He told my mother, "All she did was ask about her things in her email to me."

So you are going to pout and be a baby and somehow take that personally? When really, I just want my stuff? When really, it was up to you to let me know you wanted any kind of relationship at all??

Nope, I guess it was my job to invite him back.

This is icky to me and sets up yet again, the dynamic of him playing out his insecurity and blaming me for his behavior. It makes me feel like such as asshole.

I don't often feel like an asshole in a relationship, but when I do, I know it is not a good sign.

Sigh. I don't like these kinds of games and would really appreciate a man who is mature enough to take responsibility for his feelings, and responsibility for what he wants--instead of expecting and waiting for me to hold his hand and lead him every step of the way.

I need an equal, not a child.

My Adventures with JMSG, Part 6

I had to cut him off.

After the last set of emails last week, I talked to my mother. She has been in frequent contact with JMSG since I left. On Wednesday he called her (sometime before or after he sent me the email that he could not access my Facebook page):

“Blue has denied me access to her page!” He cried.

“She wouldn’t do that without telling you!” my mom exclaimed. She tried to reassure him over and over.

He was in a panic—convinced that I had something to do with why he couldn’t access my page. So my mother tried and couldn’t access my page either. She said this seemed to ease his anxiety a bit, but nonetheless one thing was painfully clear: He still doesn’t trust me to NOT do things behind his back. Although I had nothing to do with why Facebook was not allowing him access to my page, he had convinced himself it was me. Why? Probably because again, he thought I had met someone else and wasn’t telling him.

Several times since I left the country he has suspected “another man” when I have tried to confront him on things. He thinks I am using a round-about way to get rid of him so I can be with someone else. Again, he doesn’t trust that I am an honest, upfront person. However, I have never done anything of the sort behind his back, or anything of the sort, period the entire time I have known him. To this day, there has been NO OTHER MAN. He has no reason to suspect that I would keep important information from him. This is all because of his past relationship.

Anyway, when he got my response he wrote back calling me “defensive” and “presumptuous” in my comment that I “wouldn’t do such a thing behind his back.” Essentially, he was denying any culpability that he was suspicious of me. So he flat out lied to me in that email, because when I talked to my mother, there was no mistaking that he indeed believed I had done something behind his back. So, in my e-mail he was caught. He panicked and tried to backpedal, blaming me for seeing him as just an “insecure little boy.” Although it was true, he never admitted to mistrusting me. He just deflected and attacked me in the process – likely trying to throw me off this path of his own suspicious behavior, which I could obviously see.

I was furious. My mother confirmed what I already knew – that he simply can’t get past the trust issue from his prior relationship and he keeps projecting that on me by letting his imagination create his own scary reality.

So I wrote him again, this time with the clear intention of cutting him off. I told him I no longer wanted to be the target of his mistrustful, suspicious, or anxious behavior. I told him again, these feelings were misdirected and he needed to refocus back on himself and put that energy back toward his prior relationship were it all began for him. I told him I no longer wanted to be the recipient of his harmful projections that I was lying to him and betraying him.

With that I said I would then take him my friends list on Facebook, as well as off my e-mail distribution list and that I would not read or open any response from him FOR THREE MONTHS so that he could stop focusing on me and deal with his problem. I told him I hoped we could be friends based on mutual respect and trust and that I didn’t want to hear from him again until he felt he could actually trust me.

He didn’t respond back. Which is good, because I don’t want to read anything from him right now knowing that he might just deny his behavior and turn everything around on me. I told him I don’t need any of this and simply don’t want to deal with it anymore.

Of course, he is likely to assume that I have met someone and that is why I am cutting him off. He can’t imagine that if I don’t want to be with him, it’s because of him. He can only imagine that if I don’t want to be with him it MUST be because there is someone else. That is always his first reaction. He is also likely to feel betrayed anyway that I am cutting him off and therefore prove his feelings that I do in fact betray him. Ugh. I know I can’t win here.

So be it. I am tired of trying to talk him out him of the negative illusions he creates for himself. He can believe what he wants, and I don’t have to be a part of it anymore.

My Adventures with JMSG, Part 5

A little more detail

Today I got an e-mail from him:

“It seems I no longer have access to the pictures of us on Facebook and I couldn’t access your page. Is this just another Facebook malfunction or is something up?”

Ugh.

This irks me to no end. I can see he is trying to appear just “curious” if “something is up” but I know him. His FIRST thought about it is that “something is up.” I don’t know why he can’t access my page on Facebook. I didn’t take him off my friends list. I also wouldn’t prevent his access without telling him I was doing so. The fact that he even thinks I would do such a thing is just yet another example of his mistrust of me and his chronic insecurities in general.

Something similar happened when we were breaking up. Without telling ME, he changed his status on Facebook to “Single.” Because we were listed on each other’s pages as “in a relationship with (boyfriend of Blue)” when he changed his status it automatically affected my page’s status. Mine defaulted back to just a simple “in a relationship”. I had to go in and manually change it back to “single.” However before I even knew I had to do that, I got this e-mail from him:

“What the hell? You are already in another relationship and announcing that on Facebook? I can’t believe it. I am going to vomit. I feel betrayed.”

I had no idea of course what he was talking about. So I went at looked at my Facebook page and saw my status as “in a relationship” then checked his page and saw that he had just recently changed his back to “single.”

I was sooooo annoyed by his stupidity and reactive willingness to assume the absolute worst, and then feel all the feelings as if it were true.

So I explained to him what happened – that he created the whole thing – then created his own feelings by reacting in an irrational manner – to his own doing!!!!

I really wanted him to see that his insecurities, his mistrust of me, his fear of betrayal by me, were all created by him. It has NOTHING TO DO WITH ME because I wasn’t the one who cheated on him.

Over and over, it just seemed like he was waiting for the moment that I would betray him in some way – lie to him, do something behind his back, you name it. The email above which I received today is just another example. He thinks I am cutting him off without telling him. That he goes there first shows me the nature of his negative thinking, which I have seen from the beginning.

He is all too willing to go to the worst case scenario then stay focused on what is happening right here, right now. It made it almost impossible to solve problems with him because when I would bring up a problem he would assume I didn’t want to be with him anymore when I never said such a thing. I was just trying to solve a problem and he would blow it out of proportion.

That tendency is part of the reason why I decided I could no longer be his girlfriend. I couldn’t tolerate his reactivity and how then I would have to talk him down, just so we could focus on the original problem. Exhausting.

So I wrote him back this morning:

“I have no idea why you can’t access my page on Facebook. Last week I couldn’t access your page then later I could. I just chalked it up to problems with Facebook or my internet connection. I would never change your ability to access my page behind your back.”

I am feeling lately that I have to have ANOTHER break-up conversation with him, because really, if I didn’t want him to access my page, that would be my right.

My Adventures with JMSG, Part 4

I am still here, although no longer in the US. I shipped overseas back in March and while I have been receiving your comments, for some reason I cannot post them. I will try again later.

As for JMSG, things have been...well....up and down, and down....

While I wrote about him before, I kept to myself the troubles that were brewing. Maybe because I really care(d) about him and didn't want to plaster all my personal stuff about this relationship to strangers. But also, with my leaving the country, I have had little time to spend time blogging. When I was in town, I was with JMSG and when I wasn't, I was away training and preparing for my year abroad.

Things came to a head with us back in March after I had left. Once I had time to myself, many things began to surface, or rather these were things I could no longer ignore. During the first few months of our relationship, incidents began to occur which caused me to raise an eyebrow and ultimately change my feelings about our relationship.

Rather than rehash all the details, I will do my best to summarize:

He knew I was leaving. He knew this at the onset of our relationship. I could tell he was trying to convince himself this was okay. He wanted to maintain our relationship while I was away. At first I was okay with this, but after a time, I was not.

He began showing signs of insecurity, which seemed to be connected to his last relationship (she cheated on him) and triggered by my imminent departure: in several ways he began seeking my validation, my reassurance, my promise that I still loved and wanted to be with him upon my return. Once or twice okay, I played into it and tried to reassure. But this didn't help. His insecurities kept mounting and several times ended up in a serious meltdown of his emotional functioning. All it did was push me away. Each time, I wanted to go away from him further and further. The last time it happened on Valentine's Day, I realized I reached my limit.

Each time he would "freak out" about us and go to excessive emotional lengths to get me to reassure him, he would then feel bad and promise it wouldn't happen again. But it kept happening and when it did, it created a dynamic of me having to calm him down, having to make him feel better, and having to "take care of him" emotionally like a mother would do with a tantrumming child. It was effecting my affection, my love for him, and ultimately my sexual desire.

I had none left. I kept avoiding sex. I was no longer attracted to him. He would then feel rejected and the whole cycle would start over. He coudln't understand that his emotional neediness was a turnoff. It spiraled and it all hit me after I left and been separated from him for about a month. While I was with him, it was like I was constantly putting out the fires of his emotional disregulation. So when I was no longer doing that, my feelings about the repeated episodes finally had a chance to sink in. I finally had the chance to self-reflect on how the whole thing was impacting me emotionally.

I was no longer happy in the relationship. He seemed needy to me, constantly asking for more instead of looking at the reason why he wasn't getting what he wanted. I just wanted to escape him, run away, and get space.

So finally I talked to him about it. It was a tumultuous time for him - me giving him the news of my feelings, because it was the very thing he had feared: his frantic efforts to keep me from leaving him actually created the thing he feared the most.

We ultimately decided to no longer maintain a committed relationship while I am gone. Although things have cooled down and we are talking on a regular basis, I no longer feel the burden of having to maintain something that was shaky in the first place.

I feel relief, but also some sadness that things did not work out better. I have not completely written him off, as we have both agreed to see how we feel when I come home.

That is of course, if neither of us falls in love with someone else in the meantime.

Yes, I am still here....

Remember when I said a while back that I would be leaving PoDunk for a while? And that my work was taking me out of the country for a year? Well, that process has begun. While I am not out of the country yet, I am currently in training to get ready to do the job I will be doing overseas.

Hence the reason I have not posted in a while. I had to move all my crap, arrange all my financial issues, and basically scramble to get everything done. My routine just hasn't been "routine" enough for me to blog on a regular basis, but I anticipate it will be "regular" in the near future.

Anyway, I will give you a quick update on JMSG:

These past few months with him have had lots of ups and downs, but those downs were mostly due to the fact that I am leaving for a year and he has had a hard time reconciling that fact and what to do about our relationship. However, in the end, we have both decided we want to continue our relationship while I am away - to not have a break - but to continue to allow things to develop.

That will be difficult while I am gone. We may be only to see each other one time during my absence. We will have some phone contact, but it will be mostly e-mail and maybe even snail mail. Just depends on my internet availability.

Anyway, he is awesome in many ways and I can see a future with him - a good and happy one.

We will see how this temporary separation influences that future.

So while I am away I will post on any progress about JMSG, but I will probably also try to catch up on other stories from my past.

I still need to finish the Persian Prince!

Cheers!
Your ever faithful,
Blue

Phone Poo

Remember computer poo?

Well now I have a new one - phone poo. Yeah, that's right. Every time I am on my cell phone I have the urge to poo. What is this world coming to?

Depending upon who I am talking to, I might just take them with me to the toilet. If it is Sexybest friend or JSMG - sure....but my gynecologist or my accountant? Not. What if they hear me pooing or hear the toilet flush? Ah, too embarrassing.

I first noticed Phone Poo back in November when I was away for training. I would talk to JSMG on my phone at the end of the day and couldn't talk long because I would have to poo real bad. I couldn't take him with me back into the building because there was no reception. Since then, when I am on the phone with him I have to poo.

Maybe it's him and not the phone?

But just a few minutes ago it happened when I was talking to my gynachiatrist (if you get that reference you win a prize). So I didn't take her to the bathroom with me. Um, no.

Sigh. I can't get away from the poo.

Seriously, I am beginning to wonder if electronics are messing with my digestive system:)

I even tried putting something in Google to see if I am alone..."my computer makes me poo" or "electronics make me poo" but I didn't get any articles on the subject.

I must be an alien.

An alien who poos when introduces to electronic stimulation.

Hmmm.....